Life

I spent my first 10 years studying the sciences of Bhakti, Advaita Vedanta, Samskaras, Nyaya Sutras, Ayurveda, Marma, Yoga and a myriad of other Eastern philosophical schools of thought. Learning Sanskrit and communicating in over 10 languages with my international cohort of peers was mind boggling. I studied under and served mystics hidden away across India – from the Himalayan forests in the North, to the river banks of the South; from the deserts of Rajasthan in the west, to the mangrove plains in the east. I was deeply inquisitive of the universe, and I would not rest unless she revealed her secrets to me.

I spent the next 17 years leading the monastery, providing education to younger students and efficiently managing the minimal resources the community had to offer its residents. I spent time working with the UN, collecting data and implementing a peaceful solution to provide basic healthcare and food security to warring factions of the greater counties around us. I spent much time protecting it from dacoits and unscrupulous politicians trying to manipulate us into giving away our lands and resources.

But I could no longer remain oblivious to the turmoil happening within the monastery (and my heart). I saw the intense cruelty, indoctrination and hopelessness inflicted on the younger children and disadvantaged sections of our monastic community in the name of “spiritual self-defense against the materialistic world”. To lie despite being a monk, just to shield oneself from the duplicity of society, but bypass my own existential need for love and acceptance, was driving me insane. And when I became a victim of the raging urges of some uncontrollable forces, I chose to walk at night to the great Indian Ganges, and jump into her deep waters to commit suicide.